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Conversations between parents and their children about sexual abuse are actually protective. For example, research has shown that teens whose parents talked openly about online risks, provided guidance on whether and when to share personal information online, and who remain open to questions, were less likely to experience online exploitation and abuse. On the other hand, teens whose parents did not engage in these conversations but simply restricted and monitored online access were more likely to be targeted for exploitation or abuse.

As parents, it’s never too early or too late to start these conversations with children. However, the earlier the better, to lay the groundwork for successful communication. In this video, I provide some tips for talking with children about child sexual abuse. Here are some more recommendations:

• Starting in infancy, parents should use correct labels for all body parts. Using euphemisms to cloak penis, vagina, breasts, and butt is problematic for two reasons. First, euphemisms convey that these body parts are embarrassing, dirty, or bad and should not be mentioned. Second, euphemisms rob children of the language they need to communicate with others. All of which means that abuse or problem sexual behavior can remain undetected.
• Once children start being left in the care of people other than parents, whether in or outside the home, parents should be alert to potential signs of abuse. These include changes in their child’s mental and physical health and well-being, mood, personality, and behavior. If parents notice something, they should ask their child clear and concrete questions to determine if someone is hurting them, such as “Has anyone touched your penis/vagina or made you touch theirs?” Children often fail to disclose abuse to vaguely worded questions such as: “Has someone touched you in a way that made you feel uncomfortable?” 
• But what if there are no changes to signal that something is awry? Many children don’t display obvious emotional or physical distress early in the process of being abused or being groomed for abuse. What I’ve done as a parent is to question my children a few times a year—mostly randomly—and ask if anyone has tried to touch their butts or penises (both my kids are boys) or asked them to touch others’ penises, butts, or vaginas. Asking these questions matter-of-factly, much like asking them about their day at school, can help increase disclosures.
• If the answer to questions about abuse is “yes”, it is absolutely key for parents to:
  • Respond calmly—children often blame themselves and stop talking if a parent gets upset.
  • Believe their child—adults who abuse children often tell their victims that no one will believe them.
  • Reinforce that their child did the right thing by “telling” and promise to make sure the abuse will never happen again.
  • Contact a local child advocacy center to investigate further (see Resource Guide for how to locate a nearby child advocacy center). 
  • If your child was abused, show them love and support and ensure they and you receive evidence-based family therapy such as Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (often provided by child advocacy centers).
  • If your child has engaged in problem sexual behavior against another child, show them love and support and ensure that they and you receive evidence-based family therapy such as Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy for Problem Sexual Behavior (sometimes provided by child advocacy centers; also see the Resource Guide for information on the National Center on the Sexual Behavior of Youth).
• Lastly, recognize that neither victimization nor perpetration should derail your child for life. With love and support most children affected by sexual abuse will achieve their full potential. 

All of us want to be informed when it comes to sexual abuse—to protect ourselves and loved ones from experiencing abuse or engaging in harmful behavior—yet outdated myths and stereotypes can get in the way. The more accurate information we have the more effective we will be at preventing abuse from occurring in the first place. Here, then, are some key points to better understand sexual abuse and why it occurs.

What is Child Sexual Abuse? 

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention define child sexual abuse as the involvement of a child (a person less than 18 years old) in sexual activity that violates the laws or social taboos of society and that the child:

• Does not fully comprehend
• Does not consent to or is unable to give informed consent to, or
• Is not developmentally prepared for and cannot give consent to

Abuse also involves the creation, distribution, and use of illegal images (child sexual exploitation materials) and online child sexual exploitation.

Some states and other jurisdictions criminalize all sex that involves one or more people under the age of 18; some criminalize all sex that involves one or more people under the age of 16; and some exempt mutually desired sex between close-in-age teens. All states criminalize sex between anyone 17 or younger and close relatives or adults in positions of authority.

Facts and Figures

• In the U.S., about 25% of girls, and 5% of boys will experience sexual abuse prior to age 18. Globally, about one in nine children will experience child sexual abuse.
• Abuse that involves penetration is much less common than other forms of abuse, although both types can cause serious harm.
• Most abuse is committed by people well-known to the child. This is true even for online abuse and exploitation.^,
• Abuse is most often committed by other children under age 18—in the case of hands-on offenses 70% or more are committed by other kids. Once convicted, the vast majority (97%) of these youth will never receive another sex crime conviction.
• Even among adults, once convicted most (80-90%) will never receive another sex crime conviction.
• Although sexual attraction to children, aka pedophilia, is a risk factor, about half of abuse is committed by people who do not have strong sexual attraction to children. 
• Likewise, many people who have sexual attraction to children choose to keep children safe by never acting on those attractions.
• Abuse is associated with increased risk for myriad mental health outcomes (such as depression and post-traumatic stress disorder), health risk behaviors (such as smoking), and physical health outcomes (such as cardiovascular disease and some cancers). Importantly, not all survivors experience long term harm.
• Abuse is also associated with increased risk for negative educational and employment impacts and lower lifetime earnings. 

Prevention and Intervention

Child sexual abuse is preventable, not inevitable. There are well-supported school-based programs that prevent the onset of youth problem sexual behavior, including Safe Dates and Shifting Boundaries. There is a growing array of free self-help prevention programs for teens and adults with sexual attraction to children, including Help Wanted, Prevent It, and Troubled Desire.

When abuse has occurred, there are well-supported treatment programs that improve child health and well being and that reduce risk of future harm, including Trauma-Focused Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (for children who experienced abuse) and Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy for Problem Sexual Behaviors (for children who engaged in harmful sexual behavior).